Creative Ideas for tending to grief

A Dual Process Model to Working through Grief

The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement (Stroebe & Schut, 1999) describes how people adapt to loss by switching between two types of coping, each equally important and necessary to learn how to carry and integrate your grief. The first type of coping, called Loss-Oriented Coping, confronts and processes the grief itself. This means you are dealing directly with the grief, and it may involve outward expressions of the grief, such as remembering or showing sorrow. The second type of coping, Restoration-Oriented Coping, describes coping in which you are focusing on rebuilding your life. These are tasks that are typically seen as “distractions” from grief, but they are encouraging you to learn about yourself again in the context of this loss. Moving back and forth between these two models allows us to come up for breath, instead of being constantly immersed in our grief. In doing so, we are more likely to make long-term adjustments and regulations.

In this section, you will be provided with activities that help you process your grief, but in a dual process model style. You will see that activities are listed as either Loss-Oriented or Restoration-Oriented. You are encouraged to toggle between the two depending on how you are feeling anytime you come to this page. Each activity will also be centered around another grief model so that you can try different theories on for size and see which one works best for you.

Loss-Oriented Activities

Story Writing

What You’ll Need:

A quiet, safe space where you won’t be disturbed
A notebook or journal, or a computer if you prefer to type
Around 30–60 minutes of uninterrupted time
An open heart and permission to go at your own pace

Instructions:

Take a Moment to Arrive

You might like to begin by sitting quietly. Taking a few deep breaths could help you settle into this space. Perhaps gently notice what’s present in your body and mind. If it feels right, you could light a candle or place a photo or object nearby that reminds you of your loved one.

Choose Your Story

It’s completely understandable if choosing a single story feels overwhelming. You might explore some of these prompts and see what gently resonates:

When you think of joy and this person, what memories arise?
Imagine a conversation between your present self and your loved one-what might you each be saying?
When you picture them, what are they wearing? Is there a real memory connected to that image?
If writing directly about yourself feels too tender, perhaps you’d like to write about someone like you, going through a loss. What might that person be feeling or finding difficult?
You might even choose to write a letter to your loved one.

There is no right or wrong choice, just what feels most natural or helpful today.

Begin Writing (20–40 minutes)

When you feel ready, you might begin to let the words come without editing or judgment. If it’s helpful, these questions could guide you:

What was your relationship with this person like?
What do you miss the most?
What has shifted since their death?
What do you wish they knew?
What do you hope to remember or carry forward?

If strong feelings arise, you might take a break, make a cup of tea, or step away. You can always return to the writing whenever you feel ready.

Closing and Reflection (5–10 minutes)

As you come to a natural stopping point, you might consider what you’d like to do with your story. Would it feel meaningful to revisit it later, or to place it in a special envelope or box? You might take a few moments to gently reflect:

Did anything surprise you in the story or the writing process?
What emotions are present now?
Does this story feel complete, or is there more to explore later?

You might wish to end by reading your story aloud, jotting down some thoughts about how the experience felt, or simply sitting in quiet.

The Model of Grief: Narrative Therapy

Robert Neimeyer, a leading figure in grief psychology, describes narrative therapy as a meaning-making process that helps individuals reconstruct their identities and life stories after a loss. He emphasizes that grief is not just about emotional expression but about rebuilding a coherent sense of self and world when the death of a loved one has shattered it. So by telling and retelling the stories of our loss, we are more able to process and integrate the experience while also exploring who we are becoming on the other side of it. In a narrative therapy model of grieving, moving with grief comes from a compassionate telling of our stories in a way that honors both the tremendous loss we have experienced while also leaving space to understand and explore the life that is continuing.

The Story Writing activity supports this process by:

Reconstructing meaning by writing a story, enabling those of us who are grieving to explore how this loss fits into the broader context of their life before and after their loved one has died; this can bring us a sense of continuity and order that feels comforting
Connecting our understanding of the loss to our identity through narratively recounting our loved one’s influence on ourselves before and after they died
Allowing us to express grief within a contained and safe space by putting words on a page
Creating the possibility of a “next chapter,” the very process of writing begs us to reflect on the past while looking to the future, even if that future seems inaccessible in this moment

Creating a Memory Box

What You’ll Need:

A quiet, safe space where you won’t be disturbed
A box or container
Uninterrupted time
Access to objects or things that remind you of your loved one

Instructions:

Choose a Box

You might like to find or decorate a small box, basket, or container that feels meaningful or special to you. This could become a dedicated space to hold memories and symbols of your loved one.

Gather Meaningful Items

You might collect objects that bring your loved one to mind. These could include:

Photos or handwritten notes
A piece of their clothing or jewelry
Small items that evoke shared memories
A scent they wore or a flower from their funeral
Keepsakes from childhood or a shared event

There’s no need to rush. You may choose items that feel right to include today – others can be added later.

Include Words and Reflections

If it feels appropriate, you might write a letter, a poem, or a journal entry about a cherished memory. Maybe you’d like to note down things they taught you or how they shaped your life.

Find a Place for the Memory Box to be Kept and Revisit as Needed

You might choose a place to keep the memory box-a spot where you can visit it when you want to feel close to your loved one. It could be helpful to return to the box during anniversaries, hard days, or moments when their presence feels especially missed. This box can evolve as your grief does. Feel free to add to it over time or just sit with it whenever you feel drawn.

The Model of Grief: Attachment Theory

According to John Bowlby, human beings are strongly bonded to other human beings in a process called attachment. We often attach ourselves to those we think can provide us with a sense of safety. This attachment qualifies the strong bonds that can feel ripped away from us due to a loss, and understanding grief has much to do with understanding this attachment. Because of this, when someone we are attached to dies, we may feel a sense of deep disruption when it comes to our safety and identity. Grief, in this model, is the natural response to the breaking of that attachment bond. However, over time, we can reorganize this attachment to become more internalized, even perhaps finding a time where thinking about the person who has died brings comfort or guidance, helping us reestablish a sense of security.

The Memory Box activity supports this process by:

Externalizing the internal attachment bond allows us to see, touch, and revisit reminders of the loved one.
Offering a safe, structured way to engage with memories, which helps regulate the pain of loss while preserving connection, we can physically put the memories away if we need to, but we also know they are always there for us to revisit
Supporting the development of a “secure base” in memory, where the loved one can still offer emotional support symbolically.
Helping the mourner integrate the loss into their ongoing sense of self, which Bowlby described as critical to adapting to bereavement.

Create a Grief Playlist

What You’ll Need:

A device with a music app with the ability to create playlists
Headphones or a speaker
A private space

Instructions:

Select Songs

You might take a quiet moment to think about music that brings out strong emotions. In this activity, we are looking to perhaps process some of the loss-oriented emotions. Consider songs that bring tears, songs linked to memories, or music that simply captures what grief feels like for you right now. You don’t have to be ready to listen to the playlist just yet, but you may add any songs that come to mind.

Listen to the playlist.

When it feels right, you could set aside time to listen. Maybe you light a candle or sit somewhere peaceful and wrap yourself up with comfort items. Let the music move through you – whether you cry, reflect, or just rest with the sound. You might also find journaling about the experience helpful, or you may prefer simply to be present with the music and your emotions. Perhaps this playlist can act as a gentle companion to your grief journey.

The Model of Grief: Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning

The Four Tasks of Mourning is a model of grief put forth by William Worden in which he asserts that grieving is not a passive experience but rather one that requires action to be able to move through it. He believed that the four tasks of mourning weren’t linear. Each task could be revisited any number of times, at any point in time. The uniting factor for these tasks was that they required action on the part of the mourner.

The Grief Playlist activity supports this process by moving the participant through the first two tasks of mourning:

The first task – to accept the reality of the loss: music can help the grieving to confront the reality that their loved one is gone by allowing them to recall and listen to songs that remind them of their loved one; this confrontation is safe, gradual, and full of emotion
The second task – to process the pain and grief: making a playlist allows us to move through emotional pain by allowing the music to create space for expression that we don’t need to put words to

Create a Memory Sand Jar

What You’ll Need:

A mason jar or some such container that can be sealed
Colored sand

Instructions:

Gather colored sand.

You might pick up some colored sand at a craft shop or make your own with salt and food coloring. An alternative is if you have table salt or sand, you can shake it with a small amount of food coloring in a jar. If you choose the latter, make sure to let the sand or salt sit; otherwise, it will stain everything!

Associate Memories with your Loved One with a Sand Color

You’re invited to reflect on memories you shared with your loved one. You might think of birthdays, inside jokes, milestones, or quiet, ordinary moments. There’s no right or wrong memory to include – just those that feel meaningful today. As you come up with memories you would like to preserve in the jar, you may gravitate towards a specific color that represents that memory and pour a layer into the jar. You may then move on to another memory that comes to mind, creating layer upon layer of different color memories within your jar.

Seal the Jar

Once the jar feels complete, you can gently close the lid. You may wish to label it with your name and theirs, and place it somewhere special, undisturbed, and safe.

Reflect

When you’re finished, you might take a quiet moment to reflect. Perhaps a journal entry, a cup of tea, or some silent sitting helps you process how it felt to build this tribute.

This activity can also be done with others, offering a space to remember together.

The Model of Grief: Continuing Bonds Model

Continuing Bonds Theory, introduced by Klass, Silverman, and Nickman (1996), proposes that maintaining an ongoing internal relationship with a deceased loved one can be a healthy and adaptive part of the grieving process. Rather than striving for “closure” or “letting go,” this model supports the idea that the bereaved can sustain emotional connections with the deceased in ways that are meaningful, comforting, and even growth-promoting.

From this perspective, the memory preservation sand jar can be viewed as a therapeutic ritual that supports meaning-making during your grieving process by:

Making a symbolic connection – The sand jar provides a tangible but symbolic representation of memories shared between you and your loved one. Each layer symbolizes a specific memory, value, place, or moment specific to your bond. Making these memories into something physical allows you to maintain a relationship that bridges time (past and present) with the knowledge that the jar will persist, and therefore your bond will persist, into the future.
Providing a container, the layering of sand can be calming and meditative, helping regulate overwhelming emotions. It also functions as a container, both literally and symbolically, for grief, memory, love, and bonds shared between you and your loved one. This containment allows for safe expression of complex feelings without fear of “losing control.”
Legacy – the final product becomes a physical representation of preserved memories; these are memories you can now carry with you, physically and symbolically, into the future, which helps to create a legacy for your loved one. The process invites you to participate in making meaning from your loss, helping you to reframe the loss as not just an end, but a continuation of your love for this person in a different form. It can prompt the question: “What do I want to remember, and how do I want to carry them forward?”

Hobby that a Loved One Used to Do

This activity requires little instruction and is purposefully left open-ended so that you may make of it what means the most to you. You are invited to reflect on something your loved one used to love to do. Maybe it’s something you did together, or something you knew brought them joy, but that you did not participate in. For this activity, you may give this “hobby” a try. Perhaps, if your loved one enjoyed gardening, you could try your hand at it. Or maybe, they were great artists and you are not, but you take five minutes here on out to try your hand at little sketches each day. The idea here is for you to try to connect with your loved one through something they enjoyed doing.

The Model of Grief: Continuing Bonds Model

One way this connection can be honored is by engaging in a hobby or activity that your loved one used to do. Whether it was gardening, baking, painting, fishing, or playing an instrument, re-engaging with this activity allows for a symbolic and experiential reconnection with the person who has died. We see this helping through:

Symbolic Continuation of the Relationship – Participating in a loved one’s hobby can serve as a ritual of remembrance. The act itself becomes a shared space across time, where memories, gestures, smells, or sounds can evoke the presence of the deceased and keep the emotional bond alive in a nurturing way.
Legacy – Through doing what they once loved, you may begin to construct new meaning from your loss. You are not only remembering them, but continuing aspects of who they were in the world. This creates a bridge between past and present, and can foster a sense of legacy, identity, and purpose.
Strengthening the Internal Bond – Over time, external expressions of grief may become more internalized. By doing their hobby, you may find yourself hearing their voice, imagining what they would say, or embodying aspects of them. This helps integrate the loss into your ongoing life narrative, which is a central goal of grief adaptation.

Restoration-Oriented Activities

In Restoration-Oriented activities, we invite you to open yourself to future aspirations. These activities will aid you in considering what your life could look like after this loss. We know that loss and the grief that follows changes almost everything about our lives, and while reckoning with this change can be anxiety-inducing and scary, it can also be full of possibility and wonder. Through these activities, you are invited to consider what rebuilding your life can look like because even in your grief, you are allowed to feel hope, you are allowed to dream, and you are allowed to grow.

While these activities will be less instructive than the Loss-Oriented activities, it may help to consider each activity in terms of tasks three and four in Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning. While tasks one and two ask us to work through the loss we have just experienced, task three invites us to adjust to a world without the deceased, and task four suggests that we find a connection with the deceased while embarking on a new life. Both of these tasks involve opening our imagination to what a new life could look like. They are not “grief-oriented” but rather “you-oriented,” asking you to invest in yourself and ponder what your future may look like.

Trying a New Activity

Is there a hobby you’ve been looking to take up or something that you’ve said you always wanted to try doing? Try permitting yourself to do that thing, even if it turns out you don’t enjoy it! You might try a new sport, or try learning a language you’ve always wanted to speak, or take the cooking class you’ve had bookmarked for ages. The idea here is to try, try, try until you find something you could see yourself doing in the future. This doesn’t have to be something you do every day or even every week, but maybe you allow yourself to build time into devote to this new activity or skill regularly, whatever that may look like for you.

Bring Yourself Somewhere New

So often, we don’t find time to explore where we are. We have our routines and routes that we stick to. After a bereavement, these familiar places may hold memories that you wish you didn’t have to face all the time. While this feeling can be uncomfortable, it may also be an invitation to explore your surroundings in different ways. Perhaps you go to a new coffee shop you haven’t tried, or spend time in a local park you never bothered to visit before, or try out a walking trail. This activity is meant to help you get out of your comfort zone, as places hold so much meaning to us; welcoming new scenery into your life can be the beginning of incorporating new routines, memories, and hopes for the future.

Journaling on Future Goals

We don’t necessarily have to wait until the New Year to think about our hopes and goals for our lives. These are things that we may carve out time to consider generally, and that become especially important to consider after a loss shakes us. Maybe you carve out some time to try writing down what you feel your life may look like this time next month, or next year, or the next five years. Perhaps you allow yourself to dream and put some words to those dreams. Is there a job you would like to go for? A relationship you wish to strengthen? An activity you’d like to make regular? You are encouraged to think as big or as small as you wish, but the idea here is to begin thinking and considering that there is a future where your dreams, hopes, and goals are still very much possible, even if that future looks disjointed or shattered after a loss. Writing down some of these hopes is a first step in making a picture of your future that is, of course, changed but whole once more.

Get Involved in Your Community

While there is much rebuilding that we can try on our own, there is also strength that we can find within the community. After a loss, you may have been made to reconsider who your support systems are, who you find common ground with, and who you choose to spend your time with. Part of reconsidering what your life looks like after loss and in the future is forging new connections and creating a new community. In this way, some people may remain important to you before, during and after the loss, but there will be people who become important to you who know you outside of the context of the loss. Maybe you can join a volunteer group for a cause you care about to meet some like-minded people. Or perhaps a book club. Or maybe as simple as going to an open-mic or lecture series where you will meet new faces. With this activity, we invite you to focus on seeking out settings amongst other people, perhaps reconnecting with some of your social needs and finding new relationships and connections that are a part of your rebuilding process.

Create a Joy Playlist

What You’ll Need:

A device with a music app with the ability to create playlists
Headphones or a speaker

Instructions:

Select Songs

You are invited to take some time to reflect on music that specifically elicits strong, joyful emotions from you. In this activity, we are looking to restore some happiness, laughter, and gaiety back into our lives. Maybe try picking some songs you love to dance to or sing in the car on the way to work. Or songs that you associate with fond memories, not necessarily with your loved one, but generally. This is a playlist that makes you happy, separate from the grief you may be carrying at the time.

Listen to the playlist.

Now, try to practice listening to this playlist during transitional moments – while getting ready, on a walk, driving in the car, and making dinner. The idea is to find moments to incorporate joy back into your life seamlessly, without forcing yourself to find or feel it. The songs should act as a conduit because they elicit positive emotions in you. Maybe the music moves you to sing, dance, and connect with some inner silliness. Try thinking of this time as space for you to focus only on the music and the happiness it may bring.